I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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