Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
