Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
