i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
