I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
