You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
