i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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