I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You are the jesus of drinking
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
