i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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