So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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