I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
