My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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