I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
