I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
