And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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