Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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