I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
