Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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