I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
