hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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