i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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