Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
