and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
