She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
