Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
