I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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