I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
