Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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