The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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