Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
