so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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