if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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