I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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