here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
