the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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