The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
