if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
