He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
from now on my penis is your penis
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
