youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no, he came in my armpit
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
