I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
