I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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