is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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