If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
