Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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