It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
