WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
