Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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