I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
