Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
