Just fell off a train. Bad.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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