he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He passed out mid-signature
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
