Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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