Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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