I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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