I'm so fucking centered right now
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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