the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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