Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
