how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
