I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
