Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
