dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
