I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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