i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
