you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
